Clayton Lehmann--Our favorite "almost" ring bearer!
I hope this message finds you doing well. Many thanks for your prayers and good thoughts. I’ve been trying to go about life while relegating “dealing with cancer” to a subscript of the day-to-day. Most days that’s been a pretty good approach. Then there are the moments when the effects of treatment scream “DON’T YOU DARE IGNORE ME!” In those moments, I hang on tight and ride the wave—of nausea, exhaustion, or both--and then it passes. And then its a new day.
Julie says that my driving has gotten worse as my treatment has progressed. So while I’m feeling pretty stable, I guess my anger and aggression are being expressed through driving like Mario Andretti and way exceeding the speed limit! I’m going to try and slow down and use this blog to express myself more regularly—perhaps that will help me avoid a speeding ticket!
But I’ve also been anxious about Julie—funny (as in funny/strange), but dealing with my lymphoma has bothered me less than my ruminations about what Julie has already endured with major (and minor) surgery, and what she will face through very intensive chemotherapy treatment. Odd, because while I know we have absolutely no control of the outcome for either of us, I’m confident that we will both be fine—no matter what the outcome. I do find some solace in that notion.
Meanwhile, I am working to change my overall approach to life-on-earth management. Specifically: on relieving myself of believing I need to (try to) control everything. As a self-confessed control freak, I have spent a lot of energy trying to manipulate—situations, other people, and myself—in pursuit of certain results. Normally my motives are good—even “pure” ☺—as I know that I want what I think will be best for most or all of the people, animals plants and/or environment involved. I’ve often been very successful. However, during a recent retail therapy session in one of my favorite haunts, Marshalls, I saw this little plaque that read “I’m not bossy, my ideas are just better than everyone else’s.” I almost bought it, but thought better of it as I felt my ego sting from the truth the plaque reflected.
I now see this trying to control things approach can actually end up as a big character defect. I think one of the lessons I’m learning is that MOST of everything is unmanageable and out of my control. I know I need to do my part, even when I don’t want to, like show up for chemo appointments, sit in the infusion room chair, take the IV poke (yuck!) These tasks are my responsibility. But worrying about how things will turn out for me, or for Julie, is really just a waste of my energy, energy that now seems more precious to me than ever. Energy I really need to conserve, now that the treatments are zapping some of my strength.
So that’s my rambling for today. We are moving along. I’ll go for round #6 on Thursday. Julie has recovered remarkably well from her June surgery, and also had a medical port inserted last Wednesday that will be used in lieu of a fresh IV stick each time. This will make her weekly chemo treatment more tolerable and she’ll begin her year in treatment on Monday.
Is there life beyond cancer treatment? Absolutely. We are both grateful for the good times with friends and family. On July 12, we felt blessed to be able to share in the celebration of (Julie’s nephew) Taylor and Caron’s wedding! Not only did we attend, both of us hit the dance floor. It was a beautiful ceremony, great reception and a lovely weekend at the Esperanza Mansion at the tip of Keuka Lake. We have friends who double as fabulous cooks and have insisted on preparing terrific dinners, many of which we have enjoyed outdoors during this spectacular Northeast summer weather. A visit this week from our friend Macke from Stanford CA was a special treat.
Till next time!
